Pass On Passive-Aggressive

Dear George:

I was hanging out with this guy. We had been on at least 15 dates. He kept asking me to get together. I kept saying yes and then he would ask when I was free. I would offer up a suggestion of something fun to do, but keep getting responses like this one below. This guy keeps asking me to do things, but then keeps bailing. How can I tell him I give up and to stop contacting me...without being a bitch?

-- Jennifer

Belle and Sebastian sounds cool but I am starting to feel the pinch financially especially since I almost bought a condo yesterday. I have my two failed units tacked to the wall in front of me as motivation to get my shit together. I had my "australian open" moment yesterday when i was trying to get pre-approved for a loan.

.........

Dear Jennifer:

Based on this response (to your suggestion of places to go) I would say this guy is actively passive-aggressive. While there is no clinical diagnosis for PA it is symptomatic of larger personality problems. Guys with PA unconsciously obstruct progress, procrastinate, and accept inefficiency in their lives -- usually to cover an underlying aggression. In the book Synopsis of Psychiatry (Kalpan & Saddock, 1997), the authors state:

"PAPD patients characteristically procrastinate, resist demands for adequate performance, find excuses for delays, and find fault with those on whom they depend; yet they refuse to extricate themselves from the dependent relationships. They usually lack assertiveness and are not direct about their own needs and wishes. They fail to ask needed questions about what is expected of them and may become anxious when forced to succeed or when their usual defense of turning anger against themselves is removed.

In interpersonal relationships, these people attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence, but others often experience this passive, self-detrimental behavior as punitive and manipulative. People with this disorder expect others to do their errands and to carry out their routine responsibilities. Friends and clinicians may become enmeshed in trying to assuage the patients' many claims of unjust treatment. The close relationships of people with PAPD, however, are rarely tranquil or happy. Because they are bound to their resentment more closely than to their satisfaction, they may never even formulate goals for finding enjoyment in life. People with this disorder lack self-confidence and are typically pessimistic about the future."

This guy demonstrates many of these qualities in his email to you. Like the Rorschach test, an email can be a window to one's thoughts and feelings. This guy is determined not to commit to a time or date regarding the date. If he "just wasn't into you" by the fifteenth date, a simple phone call or email stating that would have sufficed. He seems incapable of that and seemingly wants you to end the relationship so he doesn't have to. He is also demonstrating his need for dependence by stating his failures and desire to get his "shit together." Is it possible that he wants you to get his "shit together" for him?

You're feeling angry about this situation. This reaction is probably all too familiar to him. On the one hand he is pushing his own internalized anger onto you (projective identification) and on the other hand he's undoubtedly feeling sad at his difficulty to connect with someone in a mature manner.

As far as your response goes.... I would not give him what he subconsciously wants -- an angry response. This is a sad guy with a f'd up problem. Be his mirror and let him know in nice terms what he did and didn't do. He needs to know the proper etiquette so at least with therapy, he'll have a goal to reach.

All the best,
George

I always value second opinions. Please offer any advice or comments you have to Jennifer!